Teleology
The book's first key idea is "teleology." Unlike Freud's "causality," Adler believes that problematic behaviors in the present are not caused by past psychological traumas but are created to achieve specific goals. This doesn’t mean the pain people feel isn’t real; rather, this pain is self-created to fulfill a purpose.
This concept forms the foundation of all the ideas in the book. It argues that our "unhappiness" is not entirely determined by fate or the past but by our goals.
What matters is not what life has given you, but how you use what you've been given.
If you choose to, you can be happy.
All Troubles Stem from Interpersonal Relationships
This perspective was very novel to me, and I think it’s accurate.
What is the smallest unit of interpersonal relationships? Two people.
Imagine if you were the only person in the entire universe. Would your current troubles still exist? Your innate flaws or unfulfilled ambitions would no longer matter.
However, since we cannot live alone, how can we free ourselves from the troubles caused by interpersonal relationships?
Life Is Not a Competition with Others
First, we need to realize that life is not a competition with others. Everyone starts at different points and heads in different directions. Life is a journey unique to yourself.
That said, Adler acknowledges the existence of inferiority complexes and the desire for superiority. But this inferiority should not arise from comparing yourself to others; it should come from comparing yourself to your "ideal self." All we need to do is walk our own path and continuously surpass ourselves.
Manifestations of Inferiority Complexes
The book mentions how inferiority complexes can sometimes develop into an "inferiority complex syndrome." For example, someone might think, "I didn’t do well at B because of A." The implication is that without A, they would surely excel at B. This fantasy allows people to avoid making real efforts and prevents them from having the courage to change.
This syndrome can even evolve into a "superiority complex," where a person compensates for their lack of courage to change by pretending to be excellent and indulging in a false sense of superiority.
Another example is "boasting about misfortune," which is another way of compensating for the lack of courage to change.
Breaking Free from Competition
If there is "competition" in your interpersonal relationships, you will never escape the troubles they bring, and thus never escape unhappiness.
Competition inherently creates winners and losers. To avoid being a loser, people become overly tense and start seeing everyone around them as "enemies."
We live in our subjective world. If you perceive those around you as enemies—always ready to point out your flaws, mock, or even attack you—then the world becomes a frightening place. This is the insidious nature of competition.
Moreover, when you see others as enemies, you lose the ability to genuinely celebrate their success, because their success means your failure. But in reality, few people are out to harm you. Instead, people are potential partners. Cultivate "horizontal relationships" instead of hierarchical "vertical relationships."
In interpersonal relationships, avoid criticizing others even when you think you are right. This can easily escalate into a power struggle. When you believe you are correct, you implicitly view the other person as wrong, which turns the issue from a factual disagreement into a relational conflict—a fight to "win."
Admitting mistakes, apologizing, and withdrawing from power struggles are not "failures."
Separation of Tasks
Life Tasks
When an individual wants to exist as a social being, they inevitably face interpersonal challenges, referred to as "life tasks."
The three major life tasks are: work, friendship, and love.
The Lie of Life
To avoid certain tasks or people, we often create so-called "reasons," blaming these for our inability to act. But in reality, these "reasons" are excuses to avoid possible failure or to justify laziness. Adler calls these excuses "life lies."
Separating Life Tasks
Separate your own tasks from others'. If you are ultimately responsible for the outcome of something, it’s your life task. If not, it’s someone else’s. Once you’ve made this distinction, don’t interfere with others' tasks, and don’t let others interfere with yours.
Regarding your own life, all you can do is "choose the best path you see fit." On the other hand, how others evaluate you is their task and not something you can control.
There’s a saying: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink." Keeping interpersonal relationships close but not overly entangled is essential. Separating tasks isn’t the end of relationships; it’s the starting point.
Freedom Means Being Disliked
Your life is your own, and you don’t need to live for the approval of others. If you don’t live for yourself, who will? Don’t live up to others’ expectations.
If those around you don’t approve of you, that’s their life task. Their opinions of you are not something you should interfere with.
As humans, we all desire approval. But blindly pursuing it isn’t freedom.
True freedom means resisting this desire—the courage to be disliked.
To live your way without fearing criticism, without fearing being disliked, and without chasing approval—only by achieving these can you live freely.
Individual Psychology
Adler’s psychology is also known as "individual psychology." As discussed earlier, separating life tasks is essential to resolving interpersonal troubles. However, merely separating tasks risks isolation or egotism.
Adler clarifies that "individual" means "indivisible," much like an atom. Separating tasks is not about cutting ties; it’s the starting point of relationships, the foundation of horizontal relationships.
Where do interpersonal relationships lead? Adler's answer is "a sense of community" (social interest)—seeing others as partners and feeling that you "have a place" within a community.
All troubles stem from relationships, and similarly, all happiness comes from relationships.
You are not the center of the world; you are the center of the map of your world.
Each of us exists within many communities—society, family, school, workplace. When stuck in one community, remember to listen to the voices of "larger communities." Don’t be overly fixated on a small community; there are always more connections and larger communities to explore.
Neither Praise nor Criticism
We know that criticism is a toxic form of education—it stifles motivation. But what about praise? The book introduces a novel idea: praise is a judgment from the capable to the incapable, making others feel insignificant.
Adler’s psychology opposes all "vertical relationships" and advocates seeing all relationships as "horizontal."
In horizontal relationships, how can you help others? When people hear gratitude, they realize their contribution has value, which fosters confidence. The key is not to "interfere with" or "judge" others but to encourage and thank them.
Horizontal Relationships
If you form vertical relationships with someone, you’ll unconsciously treat all relationships vertically, always thinking, "A is better than me; B is worse than me." Conversely, forming a truly equal horizontal relationship marks a profound shift in your life. This breakthrough leads all relationships toward horizontality.
An example in the book describes people who use "not being able to disobey a boss" as an excuse—a "life lie" to avoid responsibility for poor results or failures.
Three Elements of a Sense of Community
Adler outlines three key factors for building a sense of community, or feeling that "my existence matters":
- Self-acceptance
- Trust in others
- Contribution to others
Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance isn’t about self-recognition. It focuses on "how to use what you’ve been given" rather than lamenting "what you’ve been given." Accept your flaws while working to improve based on them.
Trust in Others
Trust here is unconditional, not based on someone’s reliability. Even if someone has betrayed you before, you can still choose to trust them. Trust signifies seeing others as "partners," not "enemies." If someone consistently betrays your trust, you can sever ties with them.
Contribution to Others
Happiness comes from feeling "useful to others"—a sense of contribution. People only feel valuable when they realize they’ve made a difference. Contribution doesn’t have to be visible; the subjective sense of being helpful suffices.
This doesn’t mean seeking constant approval. Approval is others' task, not yours. Changing yourself to please others will rob you of your freedom, and freedom is essential for happiness.
The Courage to Be Ordinary
"Ordinary" doesn’t mean "incompetent." There’s no need to flaunt superiority.
Dancing Through Life
Life isn’t a straight line but a series of continuous moments.
You don’t need a grand vision of your ideal self. Living in the present moment is enough.
Dancing itself is the purpose.
In "potential movement," the journey feels incomplete until the destination is reached.
In "actualized movement," every moment is complete in itself—a process viewed as the result.
Like a journey, the moment you step out the door, the trip begins. Whatever happens along the way doesn’t negate the experience. This is the actualized view of life.
The Importance of "Now"
Life is like a stage. Shine a faint light on the whole stage, and you can see the past and future. But shine a strong spotlight on "now," and the past and future fade away.
What happened in the past doesn’t matter now, and the future isn’t for "now" to worry about.
Life no longer needs a story.
The Biggest "Life Lie"
The biggest lie is "not living in the moment"—dwelling on the past or obsessing over the future without focusing on the present.
Setting distant goals and telling yourself, "I’ll do what I want once the time is right," is a way of procrastinating through life. In this state, life stagnates, and each day feels dull and tedious. "Now" becomes a period of preparation and endurance.
Even without a goal, living earnestly in the moment is already a dance.
Neither the past nor the future determines your life—only "now" does.
Remember, life is always complete. A life that ends at 20 is just as complete as one that ends at 90. Happiness lies in this completeness.
The Meaning of Life
There is no universal meaning of life. This is why you can create your own meaning, and only you can assign meaning to your life.
If you feel lost in your current life, it’s because you’re seeking freedom. When pursuing freedom, it’s natural to feel lost. Adler offers the idea of a "guiding star," like the North Star. This guiding star is "contribution to others." As long as you don’t lose sight of this direction, moving forward will bring happiness.